There was a time when I was loved. She wouldn’t go anywhere without me.
I was her comfort, I could make her smile and laugh. The moment I fell from favour is hard to pinpoint, the reasons difficult to find. It’s odd how circumstances can change so quickly. The pace at which you can be catapulted from someone’s bed is dizzying. Without that warmth it’s barely worth moving. Sometimes it’s easier to lie here surrounded by dirt and cigarette butts. Will someone else pick me up or do I have to pick myself up?
Maybe she doesn’t know where I am. Maybe I’ve been forgotten. Maybe I was never important at all. It’s impossible not to feel needed when you’ve been held so close. No room for even air between us, it felt like we were always touching. Her scent is still on me, I’ll never wash again. I do need to write some things off though. I’m going to avoid all of the parks and the sunny places we went to. And those long afternoons in bed would be torturous alone. So too those car rides to anywhere.
If only I didn’t feel the longing for a squeeze. I’m cursed with a need for affection, though I suppose I’m not alone. We all need someone to show them some warmth, someone to say the right things. Someone with the heart to love and the head to understand. I think I found those things in her. Maybe she didn’t find these things in me. It’s odd the things you see when you’re looking up from the floor; when you take time to look at events from a different angle. Things march around and around your head, free from the fog of the moment.
So the cig ends pile up and the debris gathers, as I now have only time for company. The past is present and there is no future, as I lie here with all my failings exposed.
Read more of Craig’s work on his blog.