Your Cat – Written by Dave Hartley |

Your Cat – Written by Dave Hartley

May 20, 2010 by 330words

I’ve had my eye on your cat for quite some time.

You may not realise but I am a cat psychology expert. I know exactly what your cat is thinking at any given moment. I know what it is thinking when it sits on that crumbled bit of brick wall at the back of your garden. I know what it is thinking when it idly watches you hanging out your washing on the line at 3:15pm. I also know exactly how it would react to my approach. I have seen the tip of its tail twitch when a person passes by your front gate. It really likes human attention. It is a very friendly cat, perhaps a little too comfortable with strangers.

You ought to be wary of that.

Your cat likes to be outdoors in the spring sunshine. Who doesn’t? Well you don’t seem to be a big fan. You have been sat inside on your computer games ever since the nice weather began in May. You should take more interest in your cat. And your garden. The dead leaves have not been swept away in a long time.

Well now I have your cat. I have fully understood his psychology and, over a course of three slow days, gained his trust. During this time I have found the purrrrfect tone of voice with which to speak to him. He sees me and knows that I am his destiny. He can see my feline soul and I can see his. Here he comes, across your garden, over the back fence and across the field to where I stand, drawn here by our shared purpose. He has left you. He will join me. He will worship me!